Long distance relationships

 Been talking with a potential partner, it’s been going well thankfully. He’s in Atlanta, GA and I’m in San Bernardino, CA I went to see him on July 4 weekend. He came this weekend to see me. I tried to see if I can go see him again but honestly it’s too expensive to get a flight and hotel, wish I knew someone whom I could stay with. Eventually will do my best to go visit when I have more savings, right now I’m focused on doing my best for myself. It’s high time I do good things for myself and not feel selfish or bad about it. There’s much work to be done and hopefully it works out for both of us.

What do I seek (poem)

Just a woman who wants a good communicator,

Not seeking perfection but to be their version of it,

Someone who loves me even when I let my freak flag fly,

He is honest, sweet, practical and gotta love cats

I am beginning to think this guy does not exist.

Be it black, white, brown or some color in between, 

who cares as long as he loves me.

With age looks are first to he’s has be like Chandler with lame jokes

Because mine are worse, but I promise to make him laugh too.

I wear my heart on my sleeve,

Took on bullies all my life,

Came out stronger than ever because it was never about me 

It was Only the bully’s own trauma. 

I can only hope to be a better person than yesterday.

Reflections

 

I was born and raised in Tanzania, my family has been there for 5 generations, however for them it’s a proud moment that none of them have married the natives. I am rather ashamed of their racist nature. It was normal to segregate between us, for example in our house the servants had their own restroom (they couldn’t use ours) and I never questioned why. In school trips we always had separate rooms Africans in one and Indian in the other, I remember there was one girl who was biracial (Indian and black) who were very few in numbers and she asked us why we segregated, that’s when a light bulb went on inside me and snapped me out of what I was unconsciously doing and following. Later in my third year of high school I had a huge crush on my classmate (who so happened to be black), Ntale was from U.S. (not sure what state) but we used to talk about everything under the sun, he was my best friend and I fell in love with him, I never told him as I didn’t have the courage to do so. It was close to our final year in school, when his mom passed, our whole class went to his house, and that was the first time I got to hug him and I felt like never letting go. I was naïve and told my mom about what happened and she forbade me to ever see him and threatened me to never go to school again. I look back on what could have been a great relationship, (hopefully) but never got the chance to explore with him. I still feel sad that I listened to my family and did not pursue him. Now that I am in California, and at 35 (unmarried still) I have dated many different races, but never had a chance to date a black man as I never got approached by one nor have I actively pursued any, hopefully when covid has reduced and we get to be in bars again maybe I can meet someone but I am open to whomever walks in my life whether they are black, brown, white or anything in between. Although I did finally got to tell Ntale that I liked him, and the reasons why we weren’t together. I really regret not pursuing him. He was my best friend (to some degree he still is), we used to talk about everything and anything, I learned that he liked me too, and it hurts the most.  Why did his race matter? I should have been braver and fought for us. Now there’s a continent, and a couple of oceans separating us. Not to mention the circumstances are different, I feel exhausted even thinking about how we could make it work. I question my worth sometimes then I remember how powerful women are, so who is more fragile me or you? Regarding fragility Ruth Bader Ginsberg said it best, fragile like a flower or fragile like a bomb? Men’s approval have never mattered, however women still compare themselves, some of us even  beat each other down instead of lifting each other up. I never take life seriously I make myself happy by noticing funny things such as, when I see men with these dad sneakers it makes me laugh. Although Some stupid things that I laughed about make me like a bad person for laughing about them. Don’t even get me started on romance movies, that they set unrealistic expectations of love and who we should be. Some days I’m happy to be child free and single while other days it rather lonesome. We should all support each other’s journey no matter what stage we are in, for what’s happening to me could happen to you. Perhaps it’s naive of me to try my best to make this world a better place.

Why I love the Star Trek universe

 Hello! I am a huge fan of Star Trek I have yet to watch the original series (Star Trek Enterprise), I know I know but I am not a fan of Shatner's dramatics. So far I have seen Star Trek The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Voyager. My favorite so far is DS-9 mainly because of Captain Sisko. This is my suggestion if you want to see it in Chronological order

Star Trek chronological order (films listed in italics)

1. Star Trek: Enterprise (Year: 2151-2161)
2. Star Trek: Discovery seasons 1-2 (Year: 2255)
3. Star Trek: The Original Series (Year: 2265-2269)
4. Star Trek: The Animated Series (Year: 2269-2270)
5. The first six Star Trek films (Year: 2273-2293)
6. Star Trek: The Next Generation (Year: 2364-2370)
7. Star Trek films 7-10: Generations up to Nemesis (Year: 2293-2379)
8. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (Year: 2369-2375)
9. Star Trek: Voyager (Year: 2371-2378)
10. Star Trek: Picard (Year: 2399)

The universe teaches us how to get along with different species, treat women with respect, how to use technology to help all of human kind, and how to be a good person. All the captains go through different trails and tribulations, they are not perfect, many have made many mistakes and had to make difficult decisions but they stayed true to the principle of human kindness and be an example to difficult alien species (such as Jem Hadar and changelings). The teachings of it go deep into your soul, most people recognize it and call us trekkies, I am proud to be a trekkie and display what a true Federation citizen would do. Ideally I would like to be the ship's counselor, or language assistant, or just be a manager on Riza, everyone has a place in the federation, even the rebels, the warring Klingons, the cunning Romulans, the horrid Cardassians, the religious Bajorans, the scary Borg, all play a different role to contribute to the universe.It would be my dream to see people united the way Star Trek portrays and wars, famine, poverty be a thing of the past. One day we shall see our utopia, but remember what we consider utopia might be hell for others.

Dating in times of Covid-19

 Since I have been single for almost half a year it’s been rather frustrating dating. Here’s what I noticed: 

1. They will say no because we can’t physically meet

2. Communication is 10X harder because they don’t want to talk

3. People think ghosting is okay because we can’t meet in person 

4. Going “out” has been eliminated so it’s difficult to meet them even if you want to 

5. Pandemic brings out the worst in people (maybe not such a bad thing)

6. Stress creates a hardship and people do not want to give a new relationship a chance 

These reasons above have made it difficult for me to date, however I have been “seeing” a guy in Calgary, Canada and it’s so difficult not to hop on a plane to go see him. It’s rather frustrating but I know when we meet it’s going to be even more special, hopefully he keeps talking to me and we can survive this pandemic and meet in person next year in June 2021, I’m hoping it’s earlier but I’m keeping a late date in case of disappointment. Here’s to keeping things fun and hopefully a relationship blossoms 

Loving yourself

 Lately I have been trying to find myself more and enjoying my own company. Having a phone does not help as it distracts me from trying to be my own best friend. It sounds narcissistic of me and rather like an ego trip but it really isn’t. It’s been a difficult journey to learn to love myself. Having a life coach helps too as they remind you of your value and what you have to offer. I still have some ways to go but writing out poems, journaling and meditation has helped bring out the best parts of me. I believe that having a planner has helped me get control of my life, I recommend using happy planners to help write out your goals, they have cute sticker books as well to help you with organizing your life. Doing what I love helps me too, been going on walks and enjoying nature in every way possible. Being in nature helps me recharge my energy and bring out my best self. 

Fantasy- (a Poem)

 Hello everyone, so a lot of things have been on my mind including having my own home, with the current trend of housing costs I really do not see it happening. While a modest lifestyle is recommended even by Einstein, it is no reality today. Here's to better times, and better circumstances. This poem was inspired by the song Home on the Range, according to Wikipedia, it was composed by Daniel E. Kelly, and the lyrics are by Brewster M. Higley. Please note this poem is my own work and please do not plagiarize it. Also I might change the words later

Fantasy

To have a place where I call home,

where I am free to roam

and anyone who's my member is welcome at any old time,

to have good food and dine.

There's a beautiful lemon tree in my back yard 

that I will someday grow as my love for myself too.

And I really do hope that you will come visit me in my home,

for it is filled with laughter, love and kindness.

May we all find what we seek and return to our journey for that treasure of wisdom. Good wishes unto you and your loved one.