Broken heart

Hello fellow humans with all the stuff that’s going on, I can only pray for peace for the world. Meanwhile I just am here crying because not sure if there’s someone for me or not. Who knows maybe I am not meant to have a partner in this life…here’s a song I wrote.

🎵I hope you know you broke my heart, why did you even pretend to care, I had thought I found the one but alas it was just my imagination. Someday you will know this hurt, you just left without saying goodbye. Ghosting is not cool, just tell me what I did wrong. Now I’m broken hearted because of you. I won’t find anyone else like you. I am never going to trust myself again. We could have been great together but you never cared. You left me broken-hearted. Someday this will come back to you and you will know this hurt too. We talked about everything and I thought your walls were down but you had other plans, I’m still broken hearted. I hope you know I will never trust again. Someday I hope you find what you are looking for. I just know it won’t be me.

Mixed signals

 So I made plans with a guy for lunch/ dinner but I was so off as he just wanted to meet as friends. The dude is married and has kids (2) I was mortified when I found out I legit thought I was on my first date with this dude. This story is going in my funny book and I dunno if I was desperate or what. So the back story is that he texted me non stop saying let’s go out for lunch or dinner and just have a drink I suppose it was in honor of my uncle who just passed. I just want to die of mortification 🙈🙈 

Rain makes me feel like so

 in the rare times that it rains in Southern California it’s nice to take time and enjoy it. Today is Martin Luther King jr. day. Only certain places are open, and it makes me question every time if I’m doing enough. Life seems simple yet complicated and it’s usually the circumstances that make it so. In our toughest times we learn our most valuable lessons. Ever since I have come to live with my aunt I can’t help but feel I’ve put my life on hold. Life doesn’t stop for anyone

No I’m not Hispanic nor lived in India

 When I first found out about kwanza I laughed and thought was silly (especially coming from Tanzania). However when I see it from a black American’s perspective it all makes sense. As someone who is of Indian ethnicity and was born and brought up in Tanzania I was more privileged than others.  When I first came to California I didn’t know the true morbid American history which no country learns about as United States sweeps it under the rug perhaps because U.S. is considered a super power (in my opinion it isn't). The true dark history is that when the first immigrants came in U.S. they figured out that the best way to get rid of Native American is to divide and conquer just like their ancestors before them. So in the short version of history. The immigrants took advantage of how Native Americans feud with different tribes, then spread non native disease within their community, after that there was an all out genocide carried out by immigrants. This also led to the immigrants telling their offspring how they are better than natives leading to racism, prejudice and a sense of entitlement. After wiping out almost everyone, they started bringing slaves from various parts of Africa. They made Africa one country, erased all roots and made it seem so small when it's the second biggest continent in the world. So after the slaves came the immigrants' children's racism and entitlement only grew. After that finally Abraham Lincoln realized this isn't right and started a movement and a civil war broke out. After slavery was abolished there was no justice served for the Black Americans only in the 1960's after Martin Luther King's efforts was finally some justice was served. Our system is still broken, in my humble opinion there's much more struggles ahead. There's micro aggression faced by people of color, it's exhausting to correct people and explain it everyday. My ancestors moved from India to Tanzania in an effort to make a new life (this was 5 generations ago) I consider myself Tanzanian even if the Black community in Tanzania doesn't. Unfortunately I had a privileged life as an Indian in Tanzania, that's another story for another time. The annoying thing is that because of how I look most people just assume I am hispanic start talking to me in Spanish (especially in doctor's office) it's has become highly annoying and exhausting. 

Of cats and women

 So lately a lot has happened, my Fuaji (father’s sister’s husband) passed in September. I moved in with my faiji (father’s sister) as she doesn’t have any children to take care of her. I’ve been trying to adjust my new life as it’s exhausting there’s so much to do and much to process. Life is not been easy sometimes I feel I’ve been failing, I just try to do what’s best for others and sometimes I forget to take care of myself. Usually I always get hurt and go into a depression there’s no one to talk to and it’s been a long journey for me but writing always helps and is my way of coping. I feel like I’m going to be a crazy cat lady after my aunt passes but who knows what’s in store for me yet. At one point I feel my life hasn’t started and another I feel I’m too late to the game. I’m 36 and haven’t dated anyone in person for a while due to Covid. Part of me is questioning if I should start dating again or not I’ve been letting that idea swim in my head and been trying to pray and seek guidance on this so far I feel I’m not ready yet, however part of me feels that I better start soon. I’m at odds with myself at the end of the day I’ve to let things happen naturally and trust that it will work out. 

How I got into cooking as a hobby

 so growing up, my mother never showed me how to cook. Maybe she felt I was too young or would be in her way in the kitchen? I’m a little bit like that I hate having anyone else in the kitchen as it messes with my mojo but I’ve become better at asking for help. Even though my family will disagree with me, the food my mother cooked was not that flavorful except for some dishes of course,  I was “picky” but I’m thinking  maybe I didn’t like her food as it wasn’t good. I’m not claiming I’m better but I’m willing to try and cook as well as I can and learn from my mistakes. Thank goodness for you tube and other family members for the recipes. My favorite person to follow on you tube is https://youtube.com/c/RaihanaMulla her recipes are easy to follow and it’s the type of food I grew up with. 

Here I go down again

 so I made a list of all the pros and cons of dating Mr. Atlanta (due to privacy won’t disclose name), and there were many cons. There were also a couple of red flags that set me running in the other direction, how do you nicely tell another person that you don’t want to be with them? Is there a nice way? I don’t believe in “ghosting” a person. I was as honest as possible of course I didn’t mention to him about the red flags, hopefully he finds someone else for him. He is a nice guy but just not for me, I believe he needs a more traditional Indian woman, that’s certainly not me. If I am being real honest the long distance is an issue too since he’s a student he couldn’t come see me and I’m not well off to be going off to see him all the time. Right now there’s so many events going on in my personal life that I think I just need a break and  focus on my mental health. Some of the few things are my uncle has stage 4 cancer, my aunt had been constantly messaging me on how I am failing her despite my best attempts to buy groceries or do other shopping for her, I just feel like I cannot win in life. I definitely need therapy and right now I’m so broke that I don’t know how I’m going to pay for next month’s rent. Been trying to manage expenses and got rid of all subscriptions except Netflix but it’s still tight. Somehow I’ll pull through and in worst case scenario I have friends and family who I can borrow a small loan from. Been feeling like a miser lately and buying only things that are absolutely necessary. Wish me luck friends! Also a prayer helps too!