No I’m not Hispanic nor lived in India

 When I first found out about kwanza I laughed and thought was silly (especially coming from Tanzania). However when I see it from a black American’s perspective it all makes sense. As someone who is of Indian ethnicity and was born and brought up in Tanzania I was more privileged than others.  When I first came to California I didn’t know the true morbid American history which no country learns about as United States sweeps it under the rug perhaps because U.S. is considered a super power (in my opinion it isn't). The true dark history is that when the first immigrants came in U.S. they figured out that the best way to get rid of Native American is to divide and conquer just like their ancestors before them. So in the short version of history. The immigrants took advantage of how Native Americans feud with different tribes, then spread non native disease within their community, after that there was an all out genocide carried out by immigrants. This also led to the immigrants telling their offspring how they are better than natives leading to racism, prejudice and a sense of entitlement. After wiping out almost everyone, they started bringing slaves from various parts of Africa. They made Africa one country, erased all roots and made it seem so small when it's the second biggest continent in the world. So after the slaves came the immigrants' children's racism and entitlement only grew. After that finally Abraham Lincoln realized this isn't right and started a movement and a civil war broke out. After slavery was abolished there was no justice served for the Black Americans only in the 1960's after Martin Luther King's efforts was finally some justice was served. Our system is still broken, in my humble opinion there's much more struggles ahead. There's micro aggression faced by people of color, it's exhausting to correct people and explain it everyday. My ancestors moved from India to Tanzania in an effort to make a new life (this was 5 generations ago) I consider myself Tanzanian even if the Black community in Tanzania doesn't. Unfortunately I had a privileged life as an Indian in Tanzania, that's another story for another time. The annoying thing is that because of how I look most people just assume I am hispanic start talking to me in Spanish (especially in doctor's office) it's has become highly annoying and exhausting. 

Of cats and women

 So lately a lot has happened, my Fuaji (father’s sister’s husband) passed in September. I moved in with my faiji (father’s sister) as she doesn’t have any children to take care of her. I’ve been trying to adjust my new life as it’s exhausting there’s so much to do and much to process. Life is not been easy sometimes I feel I’ve been failing, I just try to do what’s best for others and sometimes I forget to take care of myself. Usually I always get hurt and go into a depression there’s no one to talk to and it’s been a long journey for me but writing always helps and is my way of coping. I feel like I’m going to be a crazy cat lady after my aunt passes but who knows what’s in store for me yet. At one point I feel my life hasn’t started and another I feel I’m too late to the game. I’m 36 and haven’t dated anyone in person for a while due to Covid. Part of me is questioning if I should start dating again or not I’ve been letting that idea swim in my head and been trying to pray and seek guidance on this so far I feel I’m not ready yet, however part of me feels that I better start soon. I’m at odds with myself at the end of the day I’ve to let things happen naturally and trust that it will work out. 

How I got into cooking as a hobby

 so growing up, my mother never showed me how to cook. Maybe she felt I was too young or would be in her way in the kitchen? I’m a little bit like that I hate having anyone else in the kitchen as it messes with my mojo but I’ve become better at asking for help. Even though my family will disagree with me, the food my mother cooked was not that flavorful except for some dishes of course,  I was “picky” but I’m thinking  maybe I didn’t like her food as it wasn’t good. I’m not claiming I’m better but I’m willing to try and cook as well as I can and learn from my mistakes. Thank goodness for you tube and other family members for the recipes. My favorite person to follow on you tube is https://youtube.com/c/RaihanaMulla her recipes are easy to follow and it’s the type of food I grew up with. 

Here I go down again

 so I made a list of all the pros and cons of dating Mr. Atlanta (due to privacy won’t disclose name), and there were many cons. There were also a couple of red flags that set me running in the other direction, how do you nicely tell another person that you don’t want to be with them? Is there a nice way? I don’t believe in “ghosting” a person. I was as honest as possible of course I didn’t mention to him about the red flags, hopefully he finds someone else for him. He is a nice guy but just not for me, I believe he needs a more traditional Indian woman, that’s certainly not me. If I am being real honest the long distance is an issue too since he’s a student he couldn’t come see me and I’m not well off to be going off to see him all the time. Right now there’s so many events going on in my personal life that I think I just need a break and  focus on my mental health. Some of the few things are my uncle has stage 4 cancer, my aunt had been constantly messaging me on how I am failing her despite my best attempts to buy groceries or do other shopping for her, I just feel like I cannot win in life. I definitely need therapy and right now I’m so broke that I don’t know how I’m going to pay for next month’s rent. Been trying to manage expenses and got rid of all subscriptions except Netflix but it’s still tight. Somehow I’ll pull through and in worst case scenario I have friends and family who I can borrow a small loan from. Been feeling like a miser lately and buying only things that are absolutely necessary. Wish me luck friends! Also a prayer helps too!

Long distance relationships

 Been talking with a potential partner, it’s been going well thankfully. He’s in Atlanta, GA and I’m in San Bernardino, CA I went to see him on July 4 weekend. He came this weekend to see me. I tried to see if I can go see him again but honestly it’s too expensive to get a flight and hotel, wish I knew someone whom I could stay with. Eventually will do my best to go visit when I have more savings, right now I’m focused on doing my best for myself. It’s high time I do good things for myself and not feel selfish or bad about it. There’s much work to be done and hopefully it works out for both of us.

What do I seek (poem)

Just a woman who wants a good communicator,

Not seeking perfection but to be their version of it,

Someone who loves me even when I let my freak flag fly,

He is honest, sweet, practical and gotta love cats

I am beginning to think this guy does not exist.

Be it black, white, brown or some color in between, 

who cares as long as he loves me.

With age looks are first to he’s has be like Chandler with lame jokes

Because mine are worse, but I promise to make him laugh too.

I wear my heart on my sleeve,

Took on bullies all my life,

Came out stronger than ever because it was never about me 

It was Only the bully’s own trauma. 

I can only hope to be a better person than yesterday.

Reflections

 

I was born and raised in Tanzania, my family has been there for 5 generations, however for them it’s a proud moment that none of them have married the natives. I am rather ashamed of their racist nature. It was normal to segregate between us, for example in our house the servants had their own restroom (they couldn’t use ours) and I never questioned why. In school trips we always had separate rooms Africans in one and Indian in the other, I remember there was one girl who was biracial (Indian and black) who were very few in numbers and she asked us why we segregated, that’s when a light bulb went on inside me and snapped me out of what I was unconsciously doing and following. Later in my third year of high school I had a huge crush on my classmate (who so happened to be black), Ntale was from U.S. (not sure what state) but we used to talk about everything under the sun, he was my best friend and I fell in love with him, I never told him as I didn’t have the courage to do so. It was close to our final year in school, when his mom passed, our whole class went to his house, and that was the first time I got to hug him and I felt like never letting go. I was naïve and told my mom about what happened and she forbade me to ever see him and threatened me to never go to school again. I look back on what could have been a great relationship, (hopefully) but never got the chance to explore with him. I still feel sad that I listened to my family and did not pursue him. Now that I am in California, and at 35 (unmarried still) I have dated many different races, but never had a chance to date a black man as I never got approached by one nor have I actively pursued any, hopefully when covid has reduced and we get to be in bars again maybe I can meet someone but I am open to whomever walks in my life whether they are black, brown, white or anything in between. Although I did finally got to tell Ntale that I liked him, and the reasons why we weren’t together. I really regret not pursuing him. He was my best friend (to some degree he still is), we used to talk about everything and anything, I learned that he liked me too, and it hurts the most.  Why did his race matter? I should have been braver and fought for us. Now there’s a continent, and a couple of oceans separating us. Not to mention the circumstances are different, I feel exhausted even thinking about how we could make it work. I question my worth sometimes then I remember how powerful women are, so who is more fragile me or you? Regarding fragility Ruth Bader Ginsberg said it best, fragile like a flower or fragile like a bomb? Men’s approval have never mattered, however women still compare themselves, some of us even  beat each other down instead of lifting each other up. I never take life seriously I make myself happy by noticing funny things such as, when I see men with these dad sneakers it makes me laugh. Although Some stupid things that I laughed about make me like a bad person for laughing about them. Don’t even get me started on romance movies, that they set unrealistic expectations of love and who we should be. Some days I’m happy to be child free and single while other days it rather lonesome. We should all support each other’s journey no matter what stage we are in, for what’s happening to me could happen to you. Perhaps it’s naive of me to try my best to make this world a better place.